There is a silence. A really long silence. An interminable, night-unending, ridiculous silence. The kind of silence that, in this case, is caused by Kaworu trying to understand the question and thinking about it for an unreasonable amount of time. A length of time occupied in no small part by an attempt to understand what age 'feels' like--when he himself has never "felt" the effect of age at all.
It's so much longer than before... he knows that for Ginko and Frisk and everyone around him, it must seem like a relatively short period of time. But it's been several lifetimes to him. Lifetime after lifetime without anything to make it worth living. The wait has been interminable. And yet--]
[He's had an idea for a while that something is up with Kaworu beyond what he already knows, but he's never been sure what. This seems like it might be a link to more of an explanation.]
[Even Kaworu has enough awareness to lag before answering--he's not sure how to explain this, or if he even wants to. But he came to Ginko, not the reverse.]
[He's quick to reassure Kaworu, biting his lip as he thinks over how to handle this.]
Uh... Maybe just keep in mind that people're gonna assume stuff. If they don't know how long you've actually been around 'n doing stuff, they'll probably just kind of... assume that it's as long as you look like you have.
[Ginko can't see Kaworu blink--no one has ever tried to reassure him before, so to Kaworu, it's a weird response.]
.... I know.
[He... knows they'll assume that. That's the point of him being like this. Just like they assume he's human--assume he has the same feelings and hopes and flaws that they do.
What does it mean to them that he does not? He's certain he doesn't want to know.
But even if the lie holds up even without him doing anything, it doesn't hold up well. He's going to have to make a decision.]
[This is... not going exceptionally well. Ginko kind of feels like he hasn't accomplished anything.]
...Maybe just tell people the truth? That you're still kinda new at stuff, and you don't really... know what you're doing yet. Sometimes that works for me.
[This is the third time in his life Kaworu has encountered someone who has something in common with him. He had once believed such a thing was only possible with te First Child, Lilith's soul taken the form of a human child. Then he met Frisk. A human child aware of the flow of time, and familiar with its role as a vehicle of fate. Now, a third.
Ginko.
Each one is further and further from him, like moons in distant orbit around a new planet.
That is who you were before, and it is who you are now.
[This is something Kaworu knows. That humans worry and struggle so much with it is proof of their flawed, fragmented nature. But it is true for them as well; above all, humans must be themselves.]
[There's a long pause before Ginko responds. This time, though, it's not because he's scared of how Kaworu will react, or too horrified to think of an answer. He's just... kind of stunned.
He can't recall anyone ever putting it like that. His lack of memories had been treated like an inconvenience, a problem. At best, it was just a matter of 'that's that' and nothing more. Something to resign himself to.
Something about the way Kaworu puts it makes it sound like it's not so much of a problem to contend it.]
...yeah.
Thanks.
[He can't be sure if Kaworu will understand that, but. He might as well say it.]
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timeasmymeasure
audio
Date: 2016-09-04 04:00 am (UTC)Um... I dunno.
What age do you feel like you are?
[As soon as he says that he realizes there's a good chance that Kaworu literally won't be able to come out with an answer.]
[SOUND ONLY]
Date: 2016-09-04 04:04 am (UTC)There is a silence. A really long silence. An interminable, night-unending, ridiculous silence. The kind of silence that, in this case, is caused by Kaworu trying to understand the question and thinking about it for an unreasonable amount of time. A length of time occupied in no small part by an attempt to understand what age 'feels' like--when he himself has never "felt" the effect of age at all.
Finally, Ginko gets a one-word answer:]
What?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-04 04:12 am (UTC)Never mind. Um...
If it comes up, I guess just... tell them you haven't actually been around for that long? I dunno what to do if it doesn't, though...
[That might be a tough thing to work into casual conversation.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-04 04:18 am (UTC)[In a way, he's been around longer than Lilim... even if he died, it's not like he ceased to exist.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-04 04:33 am (UTC)[Suddenly he's not so sure that he has any idea what he's doing.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-04 04:45 am (UTC)Oh, I see.
It must be short to you.
[So... maybe?
It's so much longer than before... he knows that for Ginko and Frisk and everyone around him, it must seem like a relatively short period of time. But it's been several lifetimes to him. Lifetime after lifetime without anything to make it worth living. The wait has been interminable. And yet--]
But it's not the first time.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-04 05:16 am (UTC)[He's had an idea for a while that something is up with Kaworu beyond what he already knows, but he's never been sure what. This seems like it might be a link to more of an explanation.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-05 08:14 pm (UTC)....no.
[Even Kaworu has enough awareness to lag before answering--he's not sure how to explain this, or if he even wants to. But he came to Ginko, not the reverse.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-05 08:18 pm (UTC)How many times have you... done this, then?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-05 08:21 pm (UTC)...don't know how to answer that.
[He sounds pathetic. A little confused.]
Does it matter?
[Does he really need a number? Why does he always have to quantify everything?]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-05 08:42 pm (UTC)[He's quick to reassure Kaworu, biting his lip as he thinks over how to handle this.]
Uh... Maybe just keep in mind that people're gonna assume stuff. If they don't know how long you've actually been around 'n doing stuff, they'll probably just kind of... assume that it's as long as you look like you have.
[THAT'S something he knows about.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-05 09:21 pm (UTC).... I know.
[He... knows they'll assume that. That's the point of him being like this. Just like they assume he's human--assume he has the same feelings and hopes and flaws that they do.
What does it mean to them that he does not? He's certain he doesn't want to know.
But even if the lie holds up even without him doing anything, it doesn't hold up well. He's going to have to make a decision.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-05 09:37 pm (UTC)...Maybe just tell people the truth? That you're still kinda new at stuff, and you don't really... know what you're doing yet. Sometimes that works for me.
[Except when it goes horribly wrong.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-06 03:15 am (UTC)[In fairness to Ginko, that is not an uncommon feeling when talking to Kaworu. Most things become circular if you think about them too much.
Or at least they do if you let him guide you.
On the other hand...... sometimes it leads to moments like this.
There's a palpable pause.]
...what do you mean, it works for you?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-06 03:31 am (UTC)[Briefly, reflexively, he hesitates. Like he said, it works sometimes. Others, it doesn't go over so well.
But this is Kaworu. Somehow, perhaps paradoxically, that makes it seem a little more likely that this won't go over too badly.]
I'm... probably around twelve, but I don't actually remember most of it. I can't remember anything from before around two years ago.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-06 04:08 am (UTC)[Kaworu is silent again.
Ginko doesn't know it, but that sounds familiar.
Not that he's saying Ginko died and his soul was salvaged into a new vessel. But.]
You don't remember?
[A brief, shorter pause.]
...
Are you sure it even happened?
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Date: 2016-09-06 04:17 am (UTC)[He frowns a little, staring down at the floor of his room. Maybe he'd be more certain if he'd ever met anyone who had known him before, but...]
But Suguro told me that it was probably a mushi that took my memories - Tokoyami. So there must have been something to take.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-06 11:20 pm (UTC)Ginko.
Each one is further and further from him, like moons in distant orbit around a new planet.
He wasn't expecting it. But, also--]
It doesn't seem to trouble you.
[It's not an accusation. It's an observation.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-06 11:37 pm (UTC)[If it doesn't seem to bother him, that means he's doing something right. But if he's trying to be straightforward about this...]
Sometimes I... do wish I had some kind of memories from before. That I knew who I was.
But it's not as if I can do anything about it. So there's not much reason to worry about it.
[Except, you know. He does anyway.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-06 11:56 pm (UTC)This?]
You are yourself.
That is who you were before, and it is who you are now.
[This is something Kaworu knows. That humans worry and struggle so much with it is proof of their flawed, fragmented nature. But it is true for them as well; above all, humans must be themselves.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-07 02:48 am (UTC)He can't recall anyone ever putting it like that. His lack of memories had been treated like an inconvenience, a problem. At best, it was just a matter of 'that's that' and nothing more. Something to resign himself to.
Something about the way Kaworu puts it makes it sound like it's not so much of a problem to contend it.]
...yeah.
Thanks.
[He can't be sure if Kaworu will understand that, but. He might as well say it.]